What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:05
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
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We were not on the streets..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was 9 years of age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was seconnd youngest,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I have no regrets .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She married twice! .
I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I think the readers, may guess!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She wouldn,t have been !
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He knew the spot.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Would this be the day?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She found it foreign!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I waited trembling.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She loved him until the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Comes on , in middle age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..